Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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