I heard we made out
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
