i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
