What did we do last night that was yellow?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize