You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
