Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
