so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
