I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
