Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
