I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
