Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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