Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
