I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
