When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
