He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
