For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
