In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
