there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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