Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
