(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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