fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
