He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize