Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
