1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
