Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
why do cheetos always look like penises
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So squirting runs in the family.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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