I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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