Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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