Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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