hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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