girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
