I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
