Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
