Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sorry about my life...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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