If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
