Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
