So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
