an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
