Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Terrible idea I love it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
