Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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