hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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