The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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