Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
