Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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