when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
