She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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