last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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