apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
