at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
