I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
tell me about the fingering
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