She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
