Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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