Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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