If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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