bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
