Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
