he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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