I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize