The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i permit you to call me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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